your room smells of hookers.
And success
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
