I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
