Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
