im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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