I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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