He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
