Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize