your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
this just has baby written all over it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
