There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
