Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
