So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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