why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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