Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize