im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
