Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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