Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
