Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
