You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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