Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So apparently I’m into choking now
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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