i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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