I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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