glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
