Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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