He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
