I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
