My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
