Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
