You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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