Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
