This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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