I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Boobs speak an international language.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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