just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize