I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You may now shotgun with the bride
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
