my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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