Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
