bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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