So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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