i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
