i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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