Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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