i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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