You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Houston, we have a squirter
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
