WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
