Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
bring money and cleavage
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
