I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize