4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
