they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
