Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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