Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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