If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He shit in the fireplace
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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