I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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