ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
