thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
