I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
nutella sex= disaster
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
