She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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