We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
