remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
