Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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