How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize