yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
NoShamevember. You game?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
